NP: Triad - Tool

A core shift. Something cataclysmic enough to break a 15-year-old wall of self-reproach. Completely uncharted territory behind that divide. Hell, it's not a wall, it's a chasm, a great rend in the fabric of my being, awaiting strength enough to close it and make it whole. Jinkaku kansei ni tsutomuru koto. Demo, watashi wa hito ga kawai desu.

But am I, really? I'm not so sure that is the heart of the issue anymore. What if the chasm was mended? Would that truly bring me closer to completion, or are we as humans meant to bear such scars? I've heard convincing arguments from both sides. Self-esteem, God-esteem, no-esteem, Dubya-esteem...the one consistency is they all try to get me to believe in something, even if it's nothing.

Why? Why do I find it so difficult? Am I afraid of myself, of what I might become? Surely that is a slippery slope, but the power of reason is limited below my collarbone. Ego has always been one of my greatest enemies. I find it intolerable in the average and completely reprehensible in the intelligent.

Tsuriai. That's what it comes down to, as always. I'd prefer to err on the side of caution, but I'm not entirely sure which is the more dangerous side anymore.

I don't seem to be sure of much.

Can't I let myself fail? I'm only human, after all.

"But you're smart. You know better."
"......."

I just want some peace of mind. Why won't she leave me alone?