NP: Times Like These - Foo Fighters

This weekend was terrible. I went to a party at Resurrection Fellowship Friday on the promise of excellent Halo action, and I must admit the place was promising when I first arrived. We set up the X-boxes, activated the system link, and started warming up for the big tournament. There were a few other people around, but nothing too intimidating.

Then the DJ's arrived.

They set up their gear and started running sound tests. The English language doesn't have the appropriate words to describe how truly awful the music was. It consisted of poorly mixed, unimaginative, repetitive Christian techno-rap, and they played it loud. I'm extremely sensitive to music, and this stuff made me spiral downward into an unstable, angry state.

Then the people started arriving. Some of them I knew from high school. I didn't want to see them, I didn't want any awkward social situations. So I absorbed myself more thoroughly in the game. Unfortunately, the tournament started soon thereafter, requiring me to rotate with the other participants. My team consisted of Ryan, Jon, Josh, and myself (Patrick came later). We lost our first game versus Ethan's team, which was expected. Nevertheless, I was still upset by my performance, and the music was still hammering away at my patience. After losing, they rotated us into the sea of people. I managed to look grumpy enough to scare most people away, and consequently hung out by the bar with Ryan, complaining about the music. The tournament was rather disorganized, and it was awhile before I played again.

Unfortunately, my scowl wasn't enough to scare Dan (an unusually irritating person) away. He attempted to initiate conversation, but I just stared back at him wordlessly. I knew a dialogue would only worsen the situation, so I said nothing. Finally, I was called in to play again. This time, we were up against the team led by the tournament coordinator. Despite his seeming humility, he was a cocky gamer. After losing the second game, I knew I had to leave. My patience was gone, and my sanity was literally on the verge of collapsing. I fled from the place, and only started to recover after quality music began washing over me.

Saturday, I woke up as 6:00 AM for a geosystems field trip. Not knowing what was to come, I ate a typical breakfast and headed out (having had only four hours of sleep). I arrive on campus to discover I'm an hour early. Pauly and I headed over to the LSC to see if the bagel shop was open. It wasn't, so we crashed in the Commons for fifteen minutes before heading back. Professor Chamberlain (hereafter referred to as our fearless leader/hero) introduced a plant science graduate student (hereafter referred to as Narcissus). After taking role, we headed out to the buses, our fearless leader/hero donning a wide-brimmed adventure hat so as to be prepared for whatever nature threw at him.

A quick ride over to Bingham Hill lulled me into a false sense of security. Our fearless leader/hero gave a quick 30-minute lecture about Dakota rock formations, then Narcissus matched him with a 30-minute speech about the grass on the hill. Not overly thrilling, but tolerable. Our next stop was Lory State Park. We take a short walk to a fountain rock formation, which our fearless leader/hero explains in great detail. We then begin the unexpected, unwanted two-hour "nature hike," an event nobody was prepared for. The hike ordinarily might have taken thirty minutes (the trail was only 2 miles), but Narcissus kept stopping every hundred feet and explaining the local botany in ridiculous detail. My theory is he was trying to justify his post-graduate work to anyone who would listen.

We return from the field trip an hour later than was scheduled, and I want to finish the sleep I started that morning. I crash on my couch for five hours only to wake up sick. My mind was way too loopy to begin work on my essays, so I went online and talked to Mel. This means (you guessed it) I had to write both essays Sunday. I managed it, but it wasn't fun. And this week only started.

Sorry I blogged a book. I just wanted to vent.

NP: Avalon - Sigur Ros

I'm feeling somewhat downcast today. It's all my pent-up frustration demanding release, and I've no way to do so. I'm stuck at school, where said frustrations only increase at the sight of any happy couple walking around campus hand-in-hand. Even the sight of a beautiful girl works against me. While I appreciate her beauty, she keenly reminds me of what I do not have. I suppose I don't have the healthiest attitude about it. One should be content with where they are. Still, desiring love is certainly one of the lesser vices, if a vice at all.

At least there's one comfort in all of this: it's inspired me to write again. Hopefully I should have a new poem completed soon. I need to write more.

NP: Blood on the Motorway - DJ Shadow

Today has gone very smoothly thus far. Sociology was cancelled this morning, which was nice. It isn't a hard class anyway, but it was one less worry. I only wish I had known sooner so I might have slept in. Seminar consisted of watching a Lewis and Clark documentary (which possessed a very soothing soundtrack, nearly lulling me to sleep). Humanities will once again consist of Dantean discussion, and then I'm home free. Unfortunately, home means much more work. I have Logic homework, shotokan, and trash-gathering to do.

I went to a movie night at Amy's last night. A bunch of her friends from Alpha Kappa Psi came, and we watched Grosse Pointe Blank, a very enjoyable movie. It was a little strange, though: save Amy, I didn't know anyone at the party. I just did my usual routine of sitting outside the conversation circle and observing. Only after everyone left did I feel comfortable enough to speak.

Being an introvert is quite frustrating. I'm watching all the extroverts around me, talking, laughing, enjoying life, and I wonder why the world is so geared toward them. I suppose they are a majority, but regardless, there ought to be some way for introverts to function in society. As my last entry illustrated, I want to be a part of this social structure, I just don't know how. These people seem so interesting, and I fear I'm reaching the limit of all that can be learned as an outside observer. I would enter their conversations, but it seems I have nothing of value to add. No witty retorts, no profound insights, no questions.

NP: Wencarla - Fold Zandura

Quizilla reveals yet another facet of my character, next on Events!


avoidant


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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NP: Good Woman is Hard to Find - Morphine

My spirits have finally started to lift. My sociology test wasn't overly difficult (despite the essay format), and I escaped Seminar without being called on for an impromptu speech, so all is well today except for lunch. I got the chicken Parmesan from Villa Pizza and quickly discovered why it was only $6. Bleh. I hope this doesn't linger. Humanities has always been rather enjoyable, and I don't expect today to be any different, even if Caitlin won't be there.

Ben's finally moving in. He's hoping to be autonomous at my place by tonight, which means he's coming to the Halo party. Booyah. It will be nice to have a roommate, even if a little strange at first. He also inadvertently solved the organization problem in the basement. Plus, I'll get to see him more often, and it will be easier to arrange this get-together with Melody and Charity.

Heh. Charity is determined to see Melody and I get married. Ben's reassurances notwithstanding, I can't help but feel pressured by the situation. Ben's moving in inexorably leads to my seeing Charity more. While ordinarily not a problem, I fear she will pester me about Melody, and, should we not hook up, constantly bemoan said fate. I don't easily talk about girls, anyway, and having her pressure me will only increase my anxiety.

Bah. I'm worrying about obscure possibilities again. I'll stop.

NP: I Sing Electric - Joy Electric

Mel's pestering me to blog about my terrible week, so here it is.

Monday and Tuesday were okay. Nothing too stressful, just typical college life and after-class chats with Caitlin. I asked her to lunch at Big City Wednesday. That's when things began to fall apart.

While we were waiting in line, she dropped the four-word phrase that blew my world apart: "the guy I'm dating." Apparently, this fortunate fool lives in Arvada, and I know nothing else of him save she talked with him for four hours on the phone Tuesday night. I managed to maintain my composure, and our conversation continued. I inquired after her music tastes, and to my dismay (and delight), she's into Tool, Fuel, and the Foo. Not intensely, but she listens to them. No wonder she's dating someone. Girls like her don't stay single. Oddly enough, I don't hate the guy in Arvada. How could I hate him for doing what I would, but only beating me to it?

Anyway, that flushed my world, and to top it off, I'm battling some sort of illness. And I got dumped on in Logic. And I'm to read 300 pages in Undaunted Courage by Friday.

Oh well. Two more classes and this week is over. My big Halo party is tonight. A few hours of carnage and I'll feel right as rain.

NP: Manchild - Eels

This one surprised me, especially considering the day I've had.


You are Beauty.

You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the
outside, or both. People are drawn to you as
strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the
world around you.


What Emotion Are You?
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This was more predictable.


Hecate


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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NP: First Stars - Fold Zandura

Nothing too surprising here.


Seer


The ULTIMATE personality test
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NP: Do You Realize?? - The Flaming Lips

A covert experiment managed to lay a doubt to rest in my mind. I was unsure whether Caitlin enjoyed our after-class talks or if she was merely tolerating me out of niceness (hey, it's happened before). After Logic on Tuesday, I lingered in the classroom just long enough to give her a noticable head start out the door. When I left the room, I found her a little way down the hall, waiting for me with one of her smiles. From this, I gather she actually enjoys talking to me: a definite plus.

Josh dropped by Cru tonight while I was talking to Amy and Emily. Caitlin was nearby, talking to a group I gather is from her dorm. He came waltzing up, and after not a minute's conversation, began to demand loudly, "So where's your friend?" After chastising him for his lack of tact, I led him over to her for an introduction. After touching on the topic of our pilothood, Caitlin mentioned her dislike of planes due to motion sickness. I jokingly told her she had to come up at least once with me, and to my surprise she agreed.

Maybe Mel is right after all. Maybe I should finally let myself begin to believe. "Sometimes our broken hearts are healed the moment we believe again."

NP: FMZ4 - Mortal

Things have progressed rapidly over the past few days.

Wednesday afternoon saw my first real conversation with Caitlin. We left at the same time from Humanities, and sensing my first real opportunity, I struck up a dialogue about Centertainment, the massive display of college groups occuring that day on the Plaza. During the three-minute walk to my bike, I learned of her Christianity and her interest in finding a local church.

Yesterday, another conversational chance leapt out after logic class, this time on the topic of seminar. I explained a bit about how my registration was messed up, causing me to become disinterested in my seminar topic. I was slightly self-conscious of my own rambling, but she has an pleasant, disarming manner, making it easy even for me to talk to her.

The pivotal moment came last night at Cru. I was talking to her afterward and casually mentioned my penchant for swing dancing. After chiding her own dancing ability, she said I should take her to one so she can learn. The Jivecats have a dance happening next Friday, so I'm going to suggest it to her today after Humanities.

I feel very strangely about this, but those feelings are quite nebular at the moment, so I'm afraid they won't translate into written word as yet. Stay tuned.

NP: The Girl from Rosewood Lane - Joy Electric

I seem to have retreated back into my shell after the brief encounter with oxygen I encountered last Thursday. I didn't say more than ten words during orientation today, despite an active discussion topic and "small groups." Geosystems certainly didn't help matters; the entire class was yet another introductory lecture explaining the grading procedures the prof and TA's will use. The class will be even easier than anticipated. Provided I can score very high on the exams (their being multiple choice, I shouldn't have too much to worry about), quizzes, and attend the field trips, I've an easy A.

I've decided to audition for A Midsummer Night's Dream and possibly Boy Gets Girl, two plays being put on by the CSU drama department. Having never performed Shakespeare professionally, I'm a bit apprehensive about the prospect, but Mel told me this is a good way to meet people, so I figured I'll go for it.