NP: Lullabye - Emitt Rhodes

I think everyone should learn Japanese. It's fun, a huge challenge, and it makes you able to live in Japan comfortably.

NP: Rail, Road - Mortal

This weekend was even better than I anticipated. Due to some extremely deft secret-keeping on the parts of Josh, Ryan, and Mel, I was pleasantly and completely surprised by Alisha's advent Friday night during The American Astronaut. Equilibrium awaited us at the Hollens' place, which had some excellent hand-to-hand combat and acting. We went to East-West the next day, where she (after much cajoling) convinced me to say what Dais had told me to say to the ladies working the store (concerning Japanese tutelage). We picked up some Big City Burrito for lunch, then took it back to my place for some head-to-head DOAIII action. Afterward, we went to see Kill Bill with Josh, Jon, and Lucas. That night, I kept the prearranged plans with the group for bowling, after which we watched Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. Melody is cute and seems pleasant, but I didn't feel any sparks. Sunday afternoon saw a lunch at the Detweiler's (friends of Josh's), then we took Alisha and John to DIA.

NP: Damage Case - Metallica

It seems I was jumping to conclusions yesterday. Ben's work schedule won't prevent a social outing Saturday night, and thus one has been arranged. He, Charity, Melody, Jessica, and I will be going bowling, so booyah. The guys will be upset with me for arriving at Halo late (or perhaps not going at all), but I think an exception is warranted in this case. After all, this has scarcely been a pattern with me. Besides, I've been to a lot of Halo sessions, and while entertaining, they're fairly identical.

I'm going down to Denver today to sit in on Joe's Japanese lesson, which will be excellent. In addition to meeting Daisuko (his tutor), I get to hear Japanese conversatin practice and have Dias evaluate my textbook. Afterward, Joe's coming back up for The American Astronaut. This weekend will be very good.

NP: Mutual Slump - DJ Shadow

I almost made it through an entire week without an illness, schoolwork overload, or disappointment. Then Ben told me his work schedule this weekend: PM cook (a 10-7 shift) Saturday and Sunday. This virtually precludes the aforementioned outing with him, Charity, and the mysterious Melody. I've been waiting to meet this girl for two months now.

On the upside, however, I've already filled Saturday with exciting events. The Inexorable Dork Force (an alternative name for Dork Crew I prefer due to the assonance) will be seeing Kill Bill that afternoon, which makes me happy. In addition, The American Astronaut is playing at the LSC in FoCo tomorrow night, so another yay is in order. Joe might even be coming up that night, which would add an exclamation mark to the aforementioned "yay."

I find my study of Japanese floundering due to the want of a tutor. I can learn all the words and writing but am sans a pronunciation guide. My study will continue, however, as I am now determined to visit Japan as soon as opportunity allows and live there for awhile when feasible. Having discovered the personal website of an ESL teacher, my desire to see the land of the rising sun has greatly increased. I'm also thinking about buying a shirt that says (in kanji) "Looking for a Japanese girlfriend." I like Japan.

NP: Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

Being venutruphobic is a bizarre experience. As I write this, a beautiful girl with sky-blue eyes is sitting at the same table, quietly working on some paperwork. She's wearing an unassuming T-shirt and a Celtic cross ring on her left hand. She's twirling her brown hair in her fingers and has black sunglasses perched atop her head. She's left-handed. I wish I had the courage to talk to her. I'll never see her again.

I saw Kill Bill last night with Joe. An incredible film. I felt like I was watching an anime, but the experience was better because the swords were real and the dialogue was partly in Japanese. I haven't felt so satisfied leaving a movie theater since I saw The Two Towers.

NP: Bleeder - Mortal

Life.

Yes, that's what this is. This magnificent pulsing of my being, its tempo in constant flux as it surges through my veins. These hands, so agile, so versatile, so warm. The sweet pain lingering in the corners of my eyes, gently begging me to sleep. This delicate flow of air swelling in my chest, giving and receiving life. In. Out. In. Out.

The marvelous nebula of emotion swirling within my heart. Glowing with the promise of new-born stars, reveling in the pristine wonder of chaos, exploding in violent thunder-battles, dipping into cool blue clouds, staring out into the vastness of space. At peace with the universe, yet ever yearning after challenge, growth, an infinite horizon. Overflowing with boundless mirth and weeping like a widow. Crying laughing singing seeking thinking breathing hoping dying leaping sighing watching sleeping touching drinking hearing dreaming being.

NP: Under My Umbrella - Incubus

I'm thinking over Billy Guardian's account of his first night with Audra Qudarie, how they had their first kiss during a thunderstorm and Audra's story of how she fell in love with Billy, and I honestly can't imagine anything like that happening to me. Even though I know their story is true, it seems like just another fairy tale, another story that only comes true for someone else. It seems my pessimism and history have finally reached my inner core. It's no longer a jest; I really believe I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to be. The idea scares and saddens me, but I don't see an alternative. Just the prospect of someone loving me in a romantic sense is completely ludicrous to me.

Bleh.

NP: In the Aeroplane Over the Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel

I was talking to Mel last night when I realized I haven't had a decent week since school started (decent here is defined as without a crushing disappointment, an illness, or a schoolwork overload). I want one. Maybe I should ask for one for Christmas.

I've nearly finished my new poem, so you can expect to see it shortly.

NP: Lateralus - Tool

I don't know that many extroverts read this, but if more do than I think, please take no offense at the previous entry. Your knowledge of this blog is indicative of your presence outside the sub-category of extroverts to which my diatribe refers.

In other news, I have resolved never to eat at Taco Bell again. After an early supper there Friday, I began to feel ill. Thinking it was just another bout with a local strain of the common cold, I took some Nyquil and retired. The next morning saw no improvement and no symptom development. I didn't have a sore throat, runny nose, or any other typical cold ailments. I was just insanely weak and slow of mind. The situation persisted all day with an aversion to eating, causing me to believe the tacos I ate gave me food poisoning. Unfortunately, the effects have persisted beyond the typical timespan for food poisoning (as I am still experiencing them this morning), leading me to believe something more serious may be happening. The most likely candidate is a strain of malevolent E. coli shredding my intestinal lining. Not a pleasant thought by any means. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective), "{t}he illness is usually self-limited and lasts for an average of 8 days (FDA/CFSAN Bad Bug Book)." If my diagnosis is correct and my condition doesn't become aggravated, I should be okay by next week.

I have a discussion on Madame Bovary to lead today, a sociology test Wednesday, and a speech on the Anasazi Indians to give Friday. Looks like another fun week of university life.

Note: this blog is now my primary one. Musings will no longer be updated.

NP: Sheol - Jeff Johnson

Relational happiness is a quality reserved solely for extroverts. I keep thinking about everything I've been told, how "people will like me once they get to know me," and the first thought springing to my mind is "bullshit." I apologize for the expletive, but there's no other way to describe the way I feel. Nobody is even interested in getting to know me. All the encouraging talk people have given me is nothing but a pack of comforting lies. Only extroverts can happiness with somebody else, because extroverts are the only people anybody cares to know. Nobody appreciates subtlety or peaceful solace. It's all about the parties. It's all about the lampshade-wearing bastards devoid of all decency.

I'm through with this world.

NP: Hey, Johnny Park! - Foo Fighters

I talked to her about it after class. She said her aunt and uncle randomly showed up in town and asked to see her over dinner. Mel says it's a sketchy excuse, but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. She seems genuine and friendly, and I really have no reason to doubt her. If this happens again, however, perhaps I will reconsider.

Of course, first the opportunity for a repeat scenario must be introduced. Since there are no imminent Fishooke shows, it seems I must go the lunch route. She isn't too familiar with the area, so I should be able to suggest a place she hasn't been. I'm going to try for it tomorrow after Orientation, but we'll see.

NP: Miss Blue - Filter

I'm seriously starting to wonder if this is really worth it.

The Fishooke show of destiny was moved to 8, so I left a message on Kimmi's cell phone at 3 telling her of the time change and giving her my cell number in case she had a change of plans or couldn't find the venue. We showed up at Everyday Joe's at 7:30 only to find the concert time changed again to 10. We decided to go to Walrus for some ice cream action once we unloaded the gear, but I wanted to wait until 8 to see if Kimmi wanted to join us. The deadline came and went with no pretty brown-eyed girls appearing. I waited until 8:15, then headed off with the guys to Walrus. I got my usual burning chocolate rainbow and tried to convince myself she'd call. Only when Plan B started playing did I realize she wasn't coming. Fighting the crushing disappointment, I told myself she hadn't received my message, came at 7, and left when I wasn't there. She would call my house number and leave a message telling me what happened. I left the concert early and went home to check. No new messages. No new calls on the ID.

She ditched me. She didn't even call me today to explain what happened. I'm going to see her Monday, so hopefully I'll get an answer, or at least an excuse.

I'm so disheartened by this. It's very tempting to just throw down my weapons and retreat. This love thing would be an incredible treasure to have, but Weezer is right: only in dreams.

NP: The Thoughts of Mary Jane - Nick Drake

Today witnessed the advent of another potential triumph. Kimmi was again early for Seminar, but fortunately my voice has been restored, so I was actually able to talk with her. I used the conversation starter I had ready Wednesday, and got her opinion on Undaunted Courage (which was more favorable than her view of Cadillac Desert). I had my headphones on, so she inquired after my current music, which was Weezer. A perfect question, since the topic of conversation then switched to music. She said she pretty much likes any kind and loves Incubus, which was the ideal lead-in for me to mention the Fishooke show tonight. She said she'd love to come.

I'm not jumping to any conclusions here, but hey, I get to go to a great concert with a beautiful girl. I'm not complaining. I had a chance to talk with her more after class (unfortunately, she has a class after Seminar, so doing lunch isn't possible), and I discovered this will be her first concert. Ever. Apparently, the town she grew up in was small enough to preclude any local music scene, so she seemed pretty excited about it. I found out she's a business major, but doesn't know much of what she wants to do beyond that.

Anyway, I have an appointment with my adviser, so I should probably go to it. I'll be sure to keep you updated on what happens tonight.

NP: In the Morning of the Magicians - The Flaming Lips

Fate mocks me. Today, while I was waiting for my seminar to begin, I was sitting in the common room of Newsom Hall. Fifteen minutes before class, Kimie comes up and sits nearby. Having spoken to her once before, I had much less nervousness about striking up a conversation. The reason I hadn't before is lack of opportunity. I even had a topic: the book we're reading. Everything was perfectly set up for a conversation and the possibility of a new friend.

The problem? My voice is gone. The only way I can be heard is if I use a ridiculously low baritone, which not only makes me sound pretentious, it strains my vocal chords further. So I said nothing. I was sitting there with a pretty girl only five feet away, trapped in a prison of silence.