NP: How To Disappear Completely - Radiohead

So I didn't make the final cut for Sideman. I'm very disheartened by this. It seems I'm just not cut out for acting in a real-world production. I thought I did well at the callback audition, but I guess Dr. Jones didn't concur. Conor Oberst was right again.

Why does it have to be like this?

Why do I hate myself for doing things out of love?

Why are the vast wonders and majesties of the heavens shrouded in darkness?

NP: The Baby in the Jar - The Billy Nayer Show

I'm all about blog surveys this week.

*Spell your first name backward: Retep
*The story behind your username: Samovar is my favorite song by Fold Zandura
*Are you gay? No
*Where do you live? Fort Collins, CO
*Describe yourself in four words: Musical, pessimistic, romantic, odd

Describe your...
*Wallet: Black leather three-fold.
*Hairbrush: Hairbrushes are for the weak.
*Jewelry worn daily: A ring on each hand.
*Blanket: A hand-knit one my aunt made me.
*Coffee cup: Has pictures of each of the 24 kata of the ISKF.
*Sunglasses: Blue-tinted, severly scratched polarized lenses.
*Underwear: Boxers (featuring Elmo, Tigger, Curious George, and other fun characters).
*Boots: Black.
*Handbag: I don't believe I own one
*Favorite shirt: My tye-dyed "notice me" shirt
*Favorite cologne/perfume: I'm no connosseiur.
*CD playing now: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots - The Flaming Lips
*Tattoos: None.
*Piercings: None.
*What you're wearing right now: Torn-up blue jeans, my Math Club T-shirt, blue Airwalks, and my Foo Fighters wristband.
*Makeup: On stage only.
*In my mouth: The lingering taste of slightly-burnt cheese pizza.
*In my head: Too many things to count.
*Wishing: I'm almost out of pennies...
*After this: Psychology class.
*Talking to: Josh and Ben.
*Eating: Nothing at the moment.
*Fetishes: None that I'm aware of.
*If you could get away with it, who would you murder and why? It is not my place to take life.
*What's next to you? A paper plate with two pizza crusts on it.
*Some of your favorite movies: Donnie Darko, The American Astronaut, Kill Bill, LotR, The Last Samurai
*Something you're looking foward to in the coming month: Joe's visit next week.
*Something you're deathly afraid of: Falling back into shadow.
*Do you like candles? Hai.
*Do you like hot wax? Hai.
*Do you like incense? Kyo-nishiki wa rippa desu.
*Do you like the taste of blood? No.
*Do you believe in love? Yes.
*Do you believe in soul mates? More and more, yet less and less.
*Do you believe in love at first sight? Possibly.
*Who is your worst enemy? Yeah, I'll go with me.
*If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be? Toss-up between a grey wolf and white tiger.
*What are five cities you wouldn't mind relocating to? Tokyo, Kyoto, Boulder, New York City, and Windsor.
*What are some of your pig-out foods? D.P. Dough, cookies, Hershey's dark chocolate kisses.
*What is something you wish you could understand better? God.

NP: It's Oh So Quiet - Bjork

Working in the theatre workshop was much more enjoyable today. Tuesday, all I did for 45 minutes was take out garbage. Afterward, I tied some curtains back (which was more difficult than it sounds). Today, however, Jim had me cut down a metal grate with a power saw: a highly enjoyable task. I'd never been so close to so many sparks, much less been the source of them, but I daresay it was theraputic. I was surprised he jumped me up to the machines so quickly, but I did okay, so all is well.

I seem to have contracted an odd illness. My throat is slightly sore and I have a deep-chest cough. No symptoms preceeded this, so I'm not entirely sure what it is. I hope it's just a simple cough and will vanish over the weekend, but there's a possibility of walking pneumonia. I shall observe it carefully.

My psychology test was very easy. 51 multiple-choice questions finished in 25 minutes. Ah, I love mass-produced education.

Onaka ga sukimashita. Tabemashoo. Bai bai.

NP: Blue - A Perfect Circle

The ABC's of me:

A: Age: 19
B: Band listening to right now: A Perfect Circle
C: Career in future: Teacher of some sort
D: Dad's name: William
E: Easiest person to talk to: Steve Lutesla
F: Favorite song at the moment: February Stars - Foo Fighters
G: Gummi bears or gummi worms: worms
H: Hometown: Fort Collins, CO
I: Instruments: Drums, guitar, voice
J: Job title: Student
K: Kids: seventeen-point-four
L: Longest car ride ever: NYC to Fort Collins - 27 hours
M: Mom's name: Connie
N: Number of siblings: one
O: Oldest sibling: Joe-hole
P: Phobias: insects, spiders, girls
Q: Quote you like: "Happiness is not a life without pain. Rather, it is a life in which the pain is traded for a worthy price." --Orson Scott Card
R: Reason to smile: .......
S: Song you sang last: Eulogy - Tool
T: Time you wake up: 30 minutes after my alarm goes off.
U: Unknown fact about me: My first identity crisis was at age 4.
V: Vegetable you hate: asparagus
W: Worst habit: I think too much
X: X-rays you've had: knee, teeth
Y: Yummy foods: D.P. Dough, Big City, Toy's Thai
Z: Zodiac sign: Taurus

NP: Brain Damage - Pink Floyd

I really must stop this. My emotional stability has been completely compromised. I can't keep a given disposition for more than 48 hours, and my oscillations are extreme. During psychology this afternoon, everything was dark in my eyes and I wanted nothing more than to lock myself in a metal box and fall into the ocean. Not four hours later, my entire outlook had changed. The world was a great place and I wasn't afraid to watch the moon. Now I seem to be coming down from that high. I haven't fallen into despair yet, but I probably will before tomorrow night.

I need to get a grip on myself. These violent mood changes are extremely fatiguing. Complete despair hasn't claimed me yet, but its appeal is ever-present: an end to this perpetual roller coaster. I still have the strength to fight it off, though, so no worries about institutionalization yet. I'm just tired of chaos being the only constant.

NP: Yellow - Coldplay



create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Look at me, I'm a travelling fool. Please note, this map only represents those states in which I made a meaningful stop (i.e. not just for gas). If we're talking about states I've driven through, you'd have to add Kansas, Missouri, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Indiana, and West Virginia. You all wish you had as much road experience as me, don't you?

In other news, I finished The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro yesterday. I found it a most refreshing read. It was rather slow, but the narrator (a butler by the name of Stevens) shared my inclination toward ridiculous over-analysis. It was refreshing because, though he thought as much as I do, it was in a significantly different vein than any of my thoughts of late. Immersing myself in thoughts unrelated to my own was such a wonderful break from the same ideas and conflicts I regularly endure.

School, unfortunately, is becoming even more of a drudgery than usual. With the exception of my seminar on ghosts, it is all a mindless bore. I'm hoping this is only because the semester is still young. I certainly don't relish the idea of 13 more weeks of this kuso. At least I have Paris and A Perfect Circle to look forward to between now and the end of the semester.

I bought some Asian incense today. The scents are supposed to promote balance and tranquility, so hopefully they will help calm my mind when it becomes testy. Would I'd had them last night. My auditions went rather badly (the drama prof all but told me the piece I chose was way over my head), and the rehearsals went long, preventing me from going to shotokan. Consequently, I was in a very dark mood and needed some tranquility. Oh well. Today is going better so far, but I'm rather tired and have a substantial amount of homework. Ah, the life of a student.