NP: No Surprises - Radiohead
I bought some Raisin Bran tonight. As we were leaving the store, Ethan said "You make my butts twiggle." Ryan and I watched movie trailers at his house, and I ate a chocolate donut. I got something of a start on cleaning the place up today. Josh gave me a cool hematite ring this weekend. I'm tired.
Okay, enough? See, I can do this blog thing. I have a relatively normal life. I eat, I sleep, I dress, I have friends, we enjoy ourselves, we talk about stupid stuff, we talk about serious stuff, we go to movies, we hang out, we bemoan our bachelorhood. What more do you want?
Oh.
So what if I'm insane? I don't think it's possible to live in my head and not be insane. And I don't mean the cutesy, funny little "Oh, I'm insane, hahahahaha" high school bullshit. I'm talking about laughing disturbingly while staring yourself down in the mirror because the thoughts in your head are so ludicrous, so paradoxical, so completely at odds with each other that you can't do anything but laugh. Laugh at yourself for being so complete a fool as to believe such things could actually come to pass. Laugh at yourself for doubting solid, firsthand testimony which supports your foolish notions. Laugh at yourself for believing said testimony. Laugh at yourself because you're such a worthless pile of shit. Laugh at yourself because nobody but you made you into said pile and nobody but you can make you into something worthwhile. Laugh at yourself because the solution is right in front of your face but you're too fucking depressed to get up off the floor. Laugh at yourself for staying up every night until 4:00 AM because the interminable, undefined pain in your throat won't permit sleep. Laugh at yourself because tears are cheap, and you're too cynical to cry anyway.
That kind of insanity.
The kind of insanity that's making me post this here, for the entire world to see. Maybe the music and the fatigue in my head are creating a lowered level of restraint similar to the effects of alcohol, but honestly, I think I just stopped caring.
You want to know what's completely and totally insane, though? The fact that, even through all this, I can still sit outside at night, tasting the sweet breath of summer, hearing the silver refrains of crickets, feeling the gentle air move softly across my face, wordlessly returning the gaze of a hundred million stars, and find peace. Complete, all-pervading heion. I honestly can't begin to predict how or when this massive conflict that is me will even out, but those moments of peace, whether they last a second or three hours, never fail to remind me that God's still looking out for me, no matter how I try to discourage Him.
...
Don't ever question that.
I bought some Raisin Bran tonight. As we were leaving the store, Ethan said "You make my butts twiggle." Ryan and I watched movie trailers at his house, and I ate a chocolate donut. I got something of a start on cleaning the place up today. Josh gave me a cool hematite ring this weekend. I'm tired.
Okay, enough? See, I can do this blog thing. I have a relatively normal life. I eat, I sleep, I dress, I have friends, we enjoy ourselves, we talk about stupid stuff, we talk about serious stuff, we go to movies, we hang out, we bemoan our bachelorhood. What more do you want?
Oh.
So what if I'm insane? I don't think it's possible to live in my head and not be insane. And I don't mean the cutesy, funny little "Oh, I'm insane, hahahahaha" high school bullshit. I'm talking about laughing disturbingly while staring yourself down in the mirror because the thoughts in your head are so ludicrous, so paradoxical, so completely at odds with each other that you can't do anything but laugh. Laugh at yourself for being so complete a fool as to believe such things could actually come to pass. Laugh at yourself for doubting solid, firsthand testimony which supports your foolish notions. Laugh at yourself for believing said testimony. Laugh at yourself because you're such a worthless pile of shit. Laugh at yourself because nobody but you made you into said pile and nobody but you can make you into something worthwhile. Laugh at yourself because the solution is right in front of your face but you're too fucking depressed to get up off the floor. Laugh at yourself for staying up every night until 4:00 AM because the interminable, undefined pain in your throat won't permit sleep. Laugh at yourself because tears are cheap, and you're too cynical to cry anyway.
That kind of insanity.
The kind of insanity that's making me post this here, for the entire world to see. Maybe the music and the fatigue in my head are creating a lowered level of restraint similar to the effects of alcohol, but honestly, I think I just stopped caring.
You want to know what's completely and totally insane, though? The fact that, even through all this, I can still sit outside at night, tasting the sweet breath of summer, hearing the silver refrains of crickets, feeling the gentle air move softly across my face, wordlessly returning the gaze of a hundred million stars, and find peace. Complete, all-pervading heion. I honestly can't begin to predict how or when this massive conflict that is me will even out, but those moments of peace, whether they last a second or three hours, never fail to remind me that God's still looking out for me, no matter how I try to discourage Him.
...
Don't ever question that.
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