Thomas - A Perfect Circle

What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a failure to communicate.

So time for some straight shooting. I'll make Roland proud.

Issue I - Why do I spill my guts so openly on this little blackened page of the Internet but not in person?

Answer I.i - I've always expressed myself best via written word. When discussing intimate matters, my speech becomes halting and uncertain. Why? Because I'm afraid of sounding pitiful, pretentious, or otherwise despicable. Here, I feel much more comfortable because I have time to think about things and can delete or reword part of a post before I publish it. Such luxuries are not allowed in most vocal exchanges.
Answer I.ii - Bringing up such subjects has always been incredibly difficult for me. Whenever I try, I feel like some whiny imp begging the world to give a shit about me. Here, I can say what I want and those who give a shit can reply (hence my sensitivity about commenting).

Issue II - Why do I use ridiculously overblown metaphors to describe how I'm feeling?

Answer II.i - It's my creative expressionism attempting to cope with the feelings and sensations inside me. Phrases like "My life sucks" and "I've no reason to keep living," while applicable, don't convey the extremities to which I feel these things. The metaphors are constructed to more closely mirror what's going on inside me.
Answer II.ii - I've always been a sucker for poetic expresssion.
Answer II.iii - In my defense, not all of my posts are hopelessly cryptic. This one, for example, states very clearly what was upsetting me.

So where do we go from here?

I suppose it's time for me to shed my e-chrysalis and re-enter the world of tactile contact (damn these metaphors!). It's going to take a little while to get used to, though. The last face-to-face confidant I had....well, maybe I should tell you all that story in person.

Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	High
Schizoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:	High
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Big surprise.

I'm glad to know my stream-of-consciousness despair brings you people amusement. At least it's good for something.

falling slipping sinking fading tired so tired head underwater lungs crushed let me breathe hold my eyes no let them close too much too fast too long too little i try i try let me live breathe in hurts let it out cold blue eyes future uncertain give me hope reason future dying with light brushstrokes pencil shavings help me fight will fading worth worth all is worth give me worth give me life iron and steel and flax so cold in here somebody anybody please come help me help me help me

Time Has Told Me - Nick Drake

Inspired by Becca's lazy-day post, I thought I'd post my own. This Thursday's schedule consists of:

-Playing a couple of easy pieces on pass/fail grading for piano class.
-Filling my iRiver with musical goodness.
-Lounging in my lovely papasan.
-Maybe starting on a Shakespeare essay.
-Practicing some snare drills.
-Playing Metroid Prime.

The only downside to this wonderful spring day is the unwelcome migraine which still hasn't left me alone.

The scene went well yesterday. I botched a line, and my recovery wasn't exactly Shakespearian English, but it was only one word. The blood capsules ruptured admirably, giving me a nice bloody mess on my hand and dagger without gooping up the stage. I don't know how well my performance was received, but Cathleen the director was happy, so my objective was accomplished.

Live-in Skin - Foo Fighters

Good news: Eric said my lesson yesterday showed improvement, so hopefully I'll be able to stay in the studio and pursue my dream of becoming a vainglorious small-time musician.

I'm performing a scene from Hamlet (I.v for those who care) tonight for my friend Cathleen. This will be my first time performing Shakespeare outside of a classroom.

I've never understood why virtually every high school English teacher makes the students act out part of Shakespeare plays. I don't really think it helps them understand the play better, as most of the kids don't have any theatre training anyway. It's an embarassing and inefficient teaching tool. Huttah for college-level Shakespeare classes where we read the plays outside of class.

I've found it surprisingly difficult to perform Shakespeare seriously, even in rehearsals. I simply can't shake the feeling of pretentiousness. From the language to the posturing to the costuming, it's really difficult not to feel like an arrogant prick. Hopefully, none of this will show tonight when I actually perform.

A plague of slightly-unfortunate luck on the anonymous commenter on my last post.

More good news: I finally purchased the much-awaited mp3 player. Behold its glory. Despite the MSRP listed on the site, I picked mine up for a sweet $225 from e-Bay. The seller apparently refurbishes mp3 players to like-new quality and sells them cheap. w00+! And yes, O gR34+ m4c, I'll continue using this language despite my understudy status.

Coincidentally, some Asian dancers started practicing near my current location when Thievery Corporation's Lebanese Blonde came on. They appear to be hand dancers, spinning multiple foxtail-like objects around their heads. Looks like they're heading to a performance now.

To the mess hall!

Forty-Six & 2 - Tool

Roll call: please comment with an "aye" if you read this blog on any sort of a regular basis.. I'd like to know exactly who my audience is. If you haven't a Blogger account and must reply anonymously, please sign your comment.

Thank you for your time.

Know Your Enemy - Rage Against the Machine

Why the fuck do I have to be right all the time?

Eric Hollenbeck, the esteemed assistant professor of percussion at Colorado State University, told me today I'm not making the progress I should be. If I don't show some improvement by the semester's end, I'm out of the studio.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I practice a lot as it is, I barely have time to eat most days, and I'm still not measuring up. Not a surprise to most of you, I'm sure, but I guess I thought I was worth something as a musician, even if not much. Nothing like your instructor telling you you're not worth his time to clear up any misunderstandings.

Yes, I know my enemies.
They're the teachers who taught me to fight me,
Compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission,
Ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality, the elite,
All of which are American dreams.

.......

Fuck me.

Passenger Seat - Death Cab for Cutie

Good news, people: one of my unsuspecting neighbors has set up an unsecured wireless network in the area. I don't know how long this good fortune will last, but I plan on making as much use of this good fortune as I can.

Your Inner European is Italian!

Passionate and colorful. You show the world what culture really is.

Who's Your Inner European?

The Scientist - Coldplay

Snowstorms on April the tenth.

Sometimes, I really hate this state.

The acquisition of the male-to-male 0.125-inch cable (which allows me to connect my laptop/mp3 player to my drumset for 1337 pl4yb4ck h4x0R$) has made me aware of a painful but veritable truth: my abilities as a drummer suck ass. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective), this revelation hasn't precluded my desire to continue the practice of playing with my mp3's. Failing miserably to keep up with Josh Friesen still beats banging on rubber pads with no accompaniment. The blisters are getting irritating, though.

Remember the good ol' days when people commented on my blog? You might not miss them, but I do.

The boy is alive again, but his dream threatens to resurrect the dead.

Elite - Deftones

Rant forthcoming:

Elitism and its many devout followers across this wonderful world of ours deserve nothing short of eternal hellfire. While listening to Kenney Chesney, Good Charlotte, and Evanescence.

Unfortunately, the Vagrant Cafe, while the hotspot for all things asshole, is not the only Internet forum where such infectants breed. I'm currently engaged in a pissing match with some hepsters on the CSU forums about the nature of postmodernism, the concept of genre classification, and what "real hardcore" is. To all of which I say, "Fuck that."

Now, I realize pretentiousness is part of human nature. I enjoy a healthy amount of pretension, mostly using it to avoid unwanted conversation (I dress in black, wear a trenchcoat, give mean looks, et al). However, once that initial barrier has been breached, I deal directly with all individuals (another effective deterrant, coincidentally). Attempting to make people believe I am/know/do more than I actually am/know/do is dishonest, pointless, and short-lived. I have no pride to protect, no name to adhere to, and no face to save because of this. It makes my life much simpler.

Why, then, must these people maintain that certain bands are "pure" hardcore and anything post 1997 is posercore? What does it matter? I don't care how true PMC, Norma Jean, or The Chariot are to the "roots" of hardcore. I like their music, and I call it hardcore so other people get an idea of what they sound like.

Another thing: hepsters seem to have difficulty acknowledging technical musicianship. Sure, Incubus is popular, but deservedly so. Einzinger can run circles around Isaac Brock in terms of technical skill and dedication to proficiency. Hepsters can't acknowledge this. It's all about the dirty, shitty-sounding recordings, unkempt emovers, and tight jeans.

And you know what? I like both Incubus and Modest Mouse. Not a difficult thing to do, really.

Okay, I'm done. Thankfully, the couple displaying the junior-high level PDA's also seem to have finished polluting this area of the Duhesa Lounge.

Food, anyone?

Oh, and I'm also mad at all of you for offering exactly zero feedback on my poem.

The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice

Tonight was absolutely beautiful. For the first time this year, it truly felt like summer.

Victoria asked me once if I'm a summer person or a winter person. I replied at the time that I'm a seasons person, but I don't think so anymore. I'm a summer evenings person.

Anyway, now it's time for an irritating survey:

01. I miss somebody right now.
02. I don't watch much tv these days.
03. I love olives.
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books.
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana.
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently, Damnit
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
17. I have a hobby.
18. I've been told I have a nice butt
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
20. I'm smart.
21. I've never broken someone else's bones
22. I have a secret that I'm scared to reveal
23. I love rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar free.
26. I need money right now
27. I love sushi.
28. I talk really, really fast.
30. I have semi-long hair.
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister.
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs.
35. I have/had a twin.
36. I have lied in this survey so far.
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look.
39. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months
40. I know how to do cornrows
41. I am usually pessimistic.
42. I have mood swings.
43. I think prostitution should be legalized.
44. I think Britney Spears is pretty
45. I have good English.
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
48. I think that I'm well known.
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone.
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
53. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat.
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
57. I'm obsessed with my Xanga/LiveJournal.
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer.
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
62. I have a cell phone.
63. I watch mtv on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before.
69. I currently have a crush on someone.
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've had the cops called on me before.
74. I bite my nails.
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
76. I'm not allergic to anything deadly.
77. I have a lot to learn.
78. I have dated someone at least 5 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
80. I am very shy around the same/opposite(take yr pick) sex esp. when they are really good looking.
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
83. I have tried alcohol before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
85. I own the "South Park" movie.
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
88. I enjoy country music.
89. I love my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can.
92. I'm obsessive and often a perfectionist.
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
94. I love Michael Jackson.
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex.
99. I'm happy as of this moment
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. I have a crush on somebody I've never met
102. I kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument.
104. I strongly dislike math
105. I'm procrastinating something right now
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in 'lust' more than in 'love.
108. I have a thing for boybands.
110. I'm obsessed with The Sims.
111. I have an obsession with Orlando Bloom.
112. I need to lose weight
113. I make faces in the mirror.
114. I love Darren Hayes
115. I need to do laundry.
116. I have/had a pet rat.
117. I've dyed my hair an unnatural color before.
118. I've gone surfing before.
119. I'm sleepy right now.
120. I have been involved in a car accident in the past 6 months
121. I hold grudges.
122. I own a movie or DVD that I have never watched.
123. I like musicals
124. Christmas is my favorite time of the year.
125. I am a member of the Jimmy Buffett Parrothead Fan club in Santa Barbara, Cali.
126. I don't feel like adding another one
127. I know Gabe Antkowsk
128. I believe you can love more than one person.
129. I have learned to never say never, because you might some day.
130. I am a good tennis player.
131. I love my kitten, and i find that kittens aren't all evil.
132. I wish I knew then, what I know now.
133. I am in love
134. I've met the Dalai Lama
135. I lost a hundred pounds.
136. I've stalked Bette Midler
137. I've fallen off a horse.
138. I've skipped class just to masturbate.
140. I dated a professional athlete.
141. I'm in love with my best friend.
142. I've always wanted to be goth.
143. I watch Sex and the City
144. I think hardcore music can be romantic.

If any of you care to perpetuate yet another useless Internet blurb, the rules are as follows: copy/paste, bold the truth, debold the false, and add one at the end.

25 days of classes left for us collegiate scholars.